We have a Winner......

The winner is .... Stephanie McCrary. Congrats Stephanie!!! Please leave a comment with your address so I can mail you your prize. Thanks for participating.

Weekly Giveaway

Don't forget to leave a comment for the Weekly Giveaway!!! Monday night at 6pm. See you then!!!!

SweetiePie Bakery

One of the Etsy shops that I am featuring is SweetiePie Bakery. These creations are absolutely adorable and created by a stay-at-home mother of two. She enjoys creating clothing, toys, and learning tools for little ones. Her creations are so cute and handmade. The pictures at the top are some of my favorite products in her shop. How cute are these??? The link to the shop is on the left-hand side of my blog. These would make perfect gifts or surprises for all your little ones.

Hello

Sorry I haven't posted in a week. I have really been concentrating on using the skills I am learning in my therapy. It truly is a whole new way of thinking about yourself, others, and the world. I have learned that so many of the "thoughts" I have in my head about what I should be are really just mistaken beliefs. I am slowly learning a new way to think of myself. I am not there yet and maybe will never be entirely, but I am working on it everyday. I am trying to "live in the moment" everyday. One thing that has been really hard for me is just to slow down and take my time doing things. Anything. I find that when I do, I pay more attention to the moment I am in. Anywho, thanks for listening.

Awakening

One thing that I am learning that is has astounded me is that I do not have to feel this way. I thought that my constant thoughts of perfectionism were normal. I did not realize the severity of it in my life. With my depression at its worst when I started, I was so used to thinking negatively and being angry that I did not even realize that I do not have to feel this way. I thought I would always think like this and that I was just really bad at dealing with it. I felt like if I did not worry constantly, then something bad would happen. I am learning now that I do not have to live this way. Even realizing this has given me a light at the end of the tunnel. I am feeling better everyday.

Etsy shops

Hey Guys. I wanted to tell you about the wonderful Etsy shops that are featured on the left side of my blog. These women made some great products. Some of these products will be included in my weekly giveaways. Make sure to take a look. I am glad to be writing about these type of businesses. These women have taken their talent and made a business out of it. I think they are amazing and very inspiring. I will be posting about each individual shop along with my other posts. Thanks!!!

In the words of Ice Cube-Gotta Say it was a Good Day

Sorry for the analogy, but that is the first thing that popped in my head, and I cracked myself up a little. Today was a really good day. The weather was amazing for one thing. I think that helps everyone a little. After I picked up the girls from school, we came home and right away went outside. I really spent quality time with them. I mean really good quality time. We played on the swing set, played baseball, and visited with some friends outside. Lately, my oldest daughter plays outside all night with her friends. By the time she comes in, it is time to start getting ready for bed. My youngest one fell asleep early too so my oldest daughter and I had about an hour and a half alone together. When my anxiety is high and my thoughts are racing, sometimes it is easy to forget how important this time is for both of us. I did not worry about anything else except just sitting and holding her and doing whatever she wanted. It makes a huge difference in both of us. It used to be her and I all the time for four years. Now, she and I don't always spend a lot of alone time. Now after she is asleep, I am relaxing on the couch. I can honestly say for the first time in along time, I feel good about the person I am. I know I will have good days and bad days, but I am learning how to cope with every thought and feeling. I am learning to accept them for what they are and not try to fight them. That is a battle that cannot be won.

And the Winner is....

Lacy Roundtree!!!! Congrats Lacy! Please leave a comment or email me with your address. Thanks for your comments!!!

Weekly Giveaway

The weekly giveaway will be at 6:00 pm tonight. Don't forget to leave a comment for a chance to win. Thank you!!!! Good Luck!!!

Thanks a million...

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate the comments that everyone has left on this blog. It truly means a lot to me. I want this blog to be a source of coping for all of us. I love reading the comments everyday. When I first told my friends and family about this blog, they were a little concerned about any negativity I may receive from people. The more I thought about this, I decided that nothing anyone else could say to me is any worse than anything I have said to my own self. So thank you to everyone!!

Sloooow down, sister

I am learning how to just chill. My boyfriend, Brent, is helping me learn to just live in the moment. I always have to go over my mental list with him about six times. Then if I don't get everything done on it, I freak. He tells me to just relax and take a break. So I am now really focusing on not even having a list. I am just concentrating on going with the flow. Every time I give him a list, he always says, "Babe, you don't have to tell me your list or even have one at all. Whatever we get done, than that will just have to do. Let's just relax and enjoy the day." I used to get angry when he would tell me this. Now it helps me so much. We live in a small house with three kids. There's always gonna be something to do. Oh well. Tonight, I am going to dinner with him. Can't wait to just have a RELAXING evening. We don't have any time frame we are following. I feel better already.

Pressed and Perfect

I am learning that my daughter picking out her own clothes for school is not nearly as big of a deal as I thought it was. So what if they don't always match. She thinks she looks fabulous. This was so hard for me to deal with at first because I feel like I needed control over that situation. Many wise mothers whose children are older than mine have told me over again, "pick your battles". The battle over what she is wearing to school is not one that I choose to have every morning at 6:00 a.m. So her clothes may not be pressed (as my grandma says), they may not always match, and she may or may not have worn the same pants twice already that week. As long as they are clean, I feel like this is a way she can express her stylish little self. Even if it is not what I would choose. So I am learning that my children's clothes may not always be pressed and perfect. This has nothing to do with the special little people they are.

It's a Mess...

I am slowly learning that my girls do not care one way or another what our house looks like. I mean, obviously, it has to be sanitary. One of the best pieces of advice I have gotten lately was from a woman whose children are a little older than mine. She said, "I want my children to remember a home, not a house." When I sit back and think, my kids love to be home and our house is "lived in." I have felt so out of control in my mind that keeping my house in perfect order makes me feel like I have some control. By doing this, I am extremely grumpy and irritable. Not only am I worn out physically, but emotionally and mentally too. Every child would rather have a happy mom than a spic and span home. So bring on the mess!!!!

And the Winner is.....

Stephanie Barnett Ragsdale!!! Congrats Stephanie! You are the winner of a $20.00 gift card to Target. Please leave a comment with your address so I can get your giveaway to you. Stay tuned for next week. We have some great prizes coming up!!

My new mantra...

I found this poster while browsing the internet. It must have been written for me. In case you guys didn't know yet, I have a tendency to overreact and stress about everything. This pretty much sums up what I am trying to do. In fact I think I may need to have this tattooed on my foreheadd so I don't forget!!! Enjoy.

The guilt.....

I am learning that my constant feeling of guilt I am always feeling stems from low self-esteem. I do not think I deserve a break. Ever. Whenever I do take a break, I am too overwhelmed with guilt to enjoy myself. This is why I keep myself doing what I consider as "productive". This way I never have to feel the guilt. Obviously, this kind of lifestyle does not work. It i s another feeling that contributes to my irritability and grumpiness. It also contributes to me feeling exhausted all the time. What do some of you like to do to relax? Just curious......

Weekly Giveaways

Hello everyone. I am going to be doing weekly giveaways on my blog. I am so thankful for those of you who have taken the time to read my posts. All you have to do is leave a comment about one of my posts and I will randomly select the winner. The weekly giveaway will be every Monday. There will be some great prizes so stay tuned for tomorrow. First giveaway!!!

Me, perfectionist? Not a chance

I am learning that I am a perfectionist. When my counselor first discussed this with me, I was like no way, not even close. When she explained what she meant, it was like she was looking in my mind. I did not think so because in my mind, I am constantly failing. If my house is not in perfect order, I am a failure. If I don't get the girls to bed every night by a certain time, I am a failure. If I do not fix a huge dinner every night I am a failure. I have set the standard so high for myself, there is no way for me to reach it. Every day when I don't, I am more disappointed with myself. Everytime someone I love is in a bad mood, somehow I see it as my fault. Even when it has nothing to do with me. When my kids are grumpy for a few days, I am a failure as a mother. I feel as though I am not good enough to be their mother. To make up for this feeling, I try to make everything in their lives perfect. Now that I am learning more about what these feelings of failure really are, I am seeing how unrealistic this truly is. I cannot be responsible for anyone's happiness but my own. So I am working on being just what I am-imperfect.

Thick or Thin

I am learning that size really does not matter. It truly is a waste of our precious time and thoughts. My two little girls have not noticed one bit that I have gained 20 pounds in the last year and a half. To them, I am Mommy-thick or thin. I am currently at my heaviest of 168 pounds and a few chins. As I am beginning to peel away the layers of my self, I feel as though I have already lost about 10 pounds of anxiety, guilt, and depression. I am feeling more beautful every day. I am starting to love this person I am finding again. The person who has been hidden away in the darkness of anxiety and depression.

First smack in the face

The very first thing I am learning in this never-ending process of discovery is that I am my children's main example of what kind of person to be. When I am grumpy and irritable everyday, they learn to be that way too. When I spend all my time picking up the house, they learn that a "perfect" house is more important to me than spending quality time with them. When I try to make everything perfect for them, they learn that nothing will ever go wrong in their lives, and if it does, I will be expected to fix it. When I don't take to take care of themselves. As I am learning this, it is hard to change my thought patterns. But I want them to learn that mommy is not perfect. But it's okay and I love myself just the way I am. Well, trying to for right now anyway.

My background

I have suffered with anxiety, depression for years. The anxiety started when I was around 8 years old. I thought everyday that I had a brain tumor and was going to die at anytime. My mind was very active even back then. I became consumed with the thought that at any moment I could just stop breathing. My parents and family were very supportive and worried about me. They took me to the doctor and I was put on medication. This helped tremendously and I was able to function as a child should. When I was a teenager the anxiety came back strong and I was put on a stronger medication and had some counseling. I am now 29 years old and still on this same medication. Of course the dose has been increased and decreased quite often. I have two children and been through a divorce. My anxiety and depression has just gotten out of control. I have become this irritable, grumpy person who does not want to be talked to. I finally have had enough and I took an 8 week leave of absence from work and checked myself into a intensive outpatient therapy program at the St. Vincent Stress Center. I go three days a week for three hours. This is group therapy and I was totally against the group therapy at first mainly because I did not want to meet new people because it annoyed the shit out of me. Everyone and everything did. My mind was so full of my own obsessive and racing thoughts that I had no room for anything else. This group therapy has been the best thing I have ever been through. After meeting with my counselor and the psychiatrist, I also learned that I am a perfectionist. Never in a million years would I have considered myself anything that has to do with perfect. In my mind, I was a failure at anything I did. As I am attending this therapy, I have began finding a part of myself that has been lost in the depths and anxiety and depression for years. I began writing again. My mind felt so much more clear, and the thoughts were consistent and the writing just flowed. I am blogging about what I am learning through this process. Please feel free to ask any questions and leave any comments. As I have learned, we are not alone. And no one is perfect.